000018 - alone in a crowd

i think one of my really bad habits is that i'm too secretive.

rather, i tend to keep a lot things to myself. i'm not very good at sharing, particularly at how i feel about things at the time. i'd rather listen to someone else's story or opinions, or problems than to express or elaborate on how my day was. sometimes when i'm in that kind of mood, i enjoy isolation a bit too much. for example on a train and the like, i like putting on my headphones, be just invisible and people watch. not that i don't like talking with people or even strangers, it's just something i discourage with my body language. i tend to just play the role of "hermit" and stop emailing, calling, messaging or generally contacting my friends. which i know is a really really bad thing to do because...

i myself get paranoid and somewhat disappointed that my friends don't email, call, message or contact me, and i know that's really hypocritical to think like that since i'm doing exactly what i shouldn't be doing to my friends as i don't like having done to me. i've mentioned before i don't like silence and i don't like the feeling of being alone, yet, when i can make an effort to not have these feelings or emotions, i push people away and ask for space! fulfilled in being "alone in a crowd" is not a good thing

i have no idea who or how many people actually read this online blog / journal of mine but i think it's a start that i've got the opportunity to express my honest feelings here whenever i can if possible. i've just got to learn to open up and share, otherwise i'll just keep on pushing people away.

of course you do realise by now that the very reason for writing the above paragraphs were to distract you so i can avoid writing about how bad today was for me. you see what i mean?