000032 - no fear

I prefer not to refer to this stage of my life as a crisis of sorts, but rather an epiphany!!

my cousin candy, her husband john and their little 2.5 year old son jarrod came down from canberra to melbourne for a short visit this weekend. i've only ever met jarrod once before and it was last april. the kid is adorable. quite well behaved and always smiles like there's no tomorrow. we went out for dinner and there was this park with a playground next to the restaurant. jarrod, ever the energetic 2.5 year old that he is, dragged me out to the playground before we even finished dinner. the kid has no fear. he ran left & right, climbed ladders that i'm sure aren't exactly safe for 2.5 age level and even to my amazement, traversed acrossed this chain ladder about 1 m off the ground numerous times to get to this slide. his dad made a good point afterwards when i mentioned how much guts the kid has. he said, he has no idea of what fear is or rather he hasn't learnt it.

he falls, he'll know next time to be scared when he tries to climb over that chain ladder again.

if we, as grown ups, had no idea of what it would be like to be hurt or to fail, how many things would be attempt without having fear of doing it in the first place?

by falling down, is the lesson to make us stronger or weaker? are the mistakes we make today going to teach us never to do attempt something again tomorrow or attempt it differently? i've once heard a saying that sometimes you meet the wrong people in your life so that you'll appreciate the right ones. are they really wrong people or are they just different people that you have to appreciate differently?

perhaps the world does seem a bit different from the eyes of a 2.5 year old compared to a 28 year old but there are times, i think, one can view the world in a lot simpler manner rather than be cynical and scared of the unknown.

anyway, my current idol and the guy i look up to most right now is Makoto Shinkai (english link here). he animated a short movie called "hoshi no koe" [voices of a distant star], all by himself!


:: art from "hoshi no koe" [voices of a distant star]

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000031 - happy CNY!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman

first, i wish i found a less somber quote to post here tonight but hey, i always say if i'm gonna be slack and do a half-ass job, i might as well do it full-ass! you're just lucky i'm not quoting tori amos instead!! anyway, the monkey's out getting drunk and running amoke with i don't know who/what. and i don't have the time to sit here and be surreal, soulful or full of sentimentality about my views on life right now. so you're getting a quote whether you like it or not. someone pass me that saki...

happy new year! here's to a healthy and prosperous year to everyone and may all our dreams come true. and if you ain't got a dream yet, go ta bed!!

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000030 - lost & found

i want to belong somewhere; belong with someone but i want to be unique as well; be independent and standout amongst the crowd.

i feel that the word forever has lost some meaning. you can sneer at me all you want with sayings like, "nothing last forever" etc. but i'd like to remain naive and believe that some things can and do remain forever.

experiencing lost, not just physically as in illness and death (although that is tragedy itself), but emotionally watching and feeling someone you thought you felt so close to slowly distance away from you is one of the most suffering emotion. whether if it's a really good friend or someone you thought you truly loved, the feeling of not being able to mend that growing space between you and that person no matter if you put in even 200% in effort is the most vile and empty emotion i've ever experienced. there's a saying that "memories are designed to fade." i'd like to at least hold onto the good memories no matter how much the bad ones felt at the time. because i'd like to feel that it all meant something somehow in the end; that i at least appreciated whatever moment we once had...

i can't say i'm always that strong either. putting in 200% of yourself in any task takes a lot out of you. i feel so much like giving in at times because that would be the easy way to solve any problem or challenge. to just runaway.

but of course i'd rather let these experiences teach me and make me a better and stronger person. the best thing to do when you fall down is to pick yourself up. dust yourself off and don't look back. look forward instead and have new dreams and new hopes. because i'd rather look at the world not as an old cynical man but a young and naive boy who can't wait to search for all sorts of different things; waiting to be found.

hope everyone has a healthy and prosperous new year in 2004!!

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